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I Do a Lot of Bar and Bat Mitzvahs

By the end of this calendar year, CSK will have celebrated 83 B’nai Mitzvah! That’s a lot of Torah, blessings, and proud families. So naturally, I want to talk to you today about... grammar. Hebrew grammar, that is. And yes—this is about more than just grammar. Stick with me to the end.

The term “Bar Mitzvah” is singular for “son of the commandment”. “Bat Mitzvah” is the singular form for “daughter of the commandment”. But when you want to talk about plural Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, Hebrew grammar steps in with a unique twist.

When Grammar Meets Sacred Rite

First, let’s clarify a quirk: “Bar” is actually Aramaic, not Hebrew. It means “son,” and is used widely throughout the Talmud, where the Bar Mitzvah tradition originates. So when a boy turns 13, he becomes a Bar Mitzvah—legally responsible for fulfilling Jewish commandments.

Now, what if you’re referring to multiple Bar Mitzvahs? The plural of “Bar” isn’t “Barim,” but rather “Banim”, the Hebrew plural of “ben” (son). So, the straightforward logic might tempt someone to say “Banim Mitzvot”—plural sons, plural commandments—much like how Spanish would require agreement in number, e.g., burritos deliciosos.

But that’s not quite how Hebrew works.

The Magic of Smichut (Construct Form)

Hebrew employs a grammatical structure called smichut, or the “construct state,” when joining two nouns to create a new, unified concept. The word “smichut” comes from the root samech-mem-chaf, meaning “to connect.” In this case, “son/daughter” and “commandment” are joined not simply for descriptive purposes, but to form a completely new identity.

So the correct plural of Bar Mitzvah isn’t “Banim Mitzvot”—it’s B’nai Mitzvah. Likewise, the plural of Bat Mitzvah is B’not Mitzvah.

And yes, for clarity’s sake, let’s just say it plainly, because this is the most common mistake. Its not B’nai Mitzvot.

Why This Matters

On one level, it doesn’t. Grammar is a set of rules formalized by scholars to help us communicate. And as someone who cringes when I hear, “Him and me went to the store,” I do appreciate good grammar.

But on a deeper level—it does matter.

It matters because for generations, half the equation of this grammar discussion was missing. Girls and women were excluded from the rite of passage that is the B’nai Mitzvah experience. Rabbi Mordechai Kaplan (founder of the Reconstructionist Movement) followed by the Reform movement’s commitment to inclusion brought about the transformative moment in which girls were welcomed and encouraged to become Bat Mitzvah.

Interestingly, in traditional Jewish law, girls come of age at 12, not 13. This is based on the belief that girls mature earlier than boys—biologically, that is. But this reasoning, while logical in an ancient context, feels limiting today. That’s why I believe girls should become Bat Mitzvah at or near their 13th birthday, just like boys.

We should not define a girl’s readiness for spiritual and communal leadership based on her physical development alone.

The Sacred Connection

Smichut is a term that combines two stand-alone ideas to form something greater than either word carries on its own. The grammar built into the terms, B’nai Mitzvah and B’not Mitzvah, lift the growing-up experiences of girls and boys to something that supersedes their biological determination. Their growth and development are important and should be kept sacred. But the development stirring in their hearts and souls, especially during this period of their lives, that is what joins and connects them to where they have come from and what they dream for themselves to be. That is why children becoming Bar and Bat Mitzvah is such a crucial part of becoming a Jewish adult – the self-discovery of adolescence is a gift from God, biology, nature that can too often be obscured by the vicissitudes of daily life and societal attitudes that limit what we see to physiology alone. And don’t get me started on the impact of social media! 

I've always shared with counselors, teachers, and parents: When we are in children’s spaces, it is wise to act like we are guests in their world, not the other way around. The smichut of connection—between generations, between heart and tradition—brings us closer, and makes us whole.